Jaime Chandra's Regretful Role in Burner Cancel Culture
Originally written on December 3, 2020
Content warning: it's quite long and includes suicidal ideation, imposter syndrome, bullying, regret, and shame.
Like every human, I’m inherently flawed. I have made plenty of mistakes and have many regrets. I’ve also done the work to learn, change, and grow. I fall & get back up. Try to do better the next time. That’s life. Success requires failure.
One of my biggest regrets that I've been trying to figure out how to address is my role in burner cancel culture and online bullying in the burn community. While I haven't engaged in this behavior in quite some time, I am still living with the repercussions of my actions. One of the best things I ever did for myself was stop engaging in the mob mentality and to break my addiction to toxic external validation.
I just wish I spoke up earlier about these regrets and lessons.
It all started out innocently -- humorous trolls and inside jokes in the tfus group. Then, as we started trying to tackle predators and social justice issues, things got a lot more serious.
I received A LOT of external validation for call outs & online take downs. There was encouragement from people in positions where they couldn’t say anything but asked me to engage. I'd show up to parties to have many people compliment and congratulate me. Lots of lurkers who didn't engage but were cheering by the sidelines. To say I was egged on is an understatement.
Late 2016, I became broken after a severe trauma and started to become more cruel. While I sought therapy and worked hard to process what happened to me, I ended up in the darkest place of my life. CPTSD, deep depression, and suicidal ideation. Frankly, it's a miracle I am still alive.
As I projected my pain outwards, I turned into a bully. Thankfully, people who cared about me had difficult but constructive talks with me. I opened up myself to anonymous feedback from the community. At lot of the criticism was hard to hear, but I took it to heart. I worked to direct my energy in more healthy ways and focused on my self-healing.
Part of that process was realizing the external validation and encouragement I received wasn’t helping me become my best self. People *love* to watch a good dumpster fire. People pay a lot of money to watch fights and watching internet battles is no different. Just because people like to watch it doesn’t mean it’s healthy or good. In fact, it's quite the opposite.
To heal, I had to identify which voices were worth listening to, which people truly wanted what is best for me, and start releasing attachments to toxic external validation. Anything that was not serving my path towards healing needed to go.
I can be gullible and overly trusting. I am not a ladder climber and I didn't realize my social stature was something people would use me for. I was taken advantage of many times and my heart broken. I didn't see that I was being manipulated, and Jonathan is one of the best things that happened to me. He is VERY observant, sees through the bullshit, and, as a man, gets treated like a man when the women aren't around. It's amazing how people act differently depending on the audience.
It's been a long and bumpy road so far, and I definitely have a ways to go on self-healing, but I am so much better than I was. I actively work to not engage in online drama. If I find myself typing something not supportive or kind, I erase and get offline. I focus more on my self care, my relationship, my friends and family. I no longer care about strangers being wrong on the internet or "educating" people on how wrong they are. It doesn't do shit 99.9% of the time, so why waste the energy? Sure, I am not perfect here still, but I am trying and the work is constant.
I truly lost myself for a few years. While I've never been afraid of confrontation, I was once more happy, supportive, positive, loving, and kind. I was a healer trained in massage and yoga helping people feel balance and ease. Trauma broke me just as much as engaging in righteous indignation. Egging me on just made it worse, but is certainly not fully to blame. I suffered from extreme imposter syndrome with a large dose of lingering catholic guilt without truly acknowledging the onion of trauma that was my past. That darkness started consuming me.
As I have been rebuilding my psyche and becoming a New Jaime, I've realized that I am not as tough as I thought I was. Yes, I am very strong, but I am also very sensitive. I built up a thick shell to avoid being vulnerable. Used substances to cope with overwhelming social situations. I started to see some of my behavior and story as sad coping mechanisms versus the empowering tales I once told about my life.
As I learned about resilience and how it is linked to vulnerability, I started opening up and sharing my pain. The ability to be authentic and raw has helped more than I could have ever realized. I am forever grateful for finding Brene Brown and learning the strength of being vulnerable.
I have spent so much of my life feeling shame -- starting in Catholic school, coming from plenty of external sources, and from deep regret of my actions. The fear that I was not enough and not lovable caused me to act out in ways that harmed a lot of people. I pushed away people before they could leave me and sabotaged many good relationships -- romantic and platonic -- along the way. It was a toxic cycle that I broke thanks to Brene Brown and some loyal people who stuck by me through it all.
I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful to have supportive friends and an amazing partner. Most of all, I am grateful to be moving past the mental blocks and toxic behaviors that have been holding me back from leading a fulfilling happy life.
Thank you for reading.
Jaime Chandra